You can't stop thinking about your ex-partner, the relationship you had, how you miss him/her, everything you would like to do or say to him/her, and most of all, how you would like to be with that person again. But the relationship seems to be over, and you don't know if it's worth trying or if there's anything you can do… Do you want to know how to get back with your ex? We will help you clarify whether or not you should get back with your ex, what factors to consider and how to get back with your ex when all seems to be lost.
Is it okay to get back with your ex?
Many couples go through or have gone through “intermittent” states in their relationship, times of “non-being” that, although not very pleasant, are sometimes necessary and show us that it is possible to try again. Nevertheless, there are essential points that must be analyzed before finally deciding that you want to get back with the ex-partner: who, how and why left the relationship.
Is it possible to get back with your ex?
Getting back with your ex is possible, but there are situations in which such an event is more likely than in others. Studies conclude that the main factor affecting reunion is uncertainty. Specifically, uncertainty about the state of the relationship. This is especially prevalent in relationships that end after one of the partners has asked for “a break,” or relationships in which the two parties, even after they are no longer together, continue to see each other and do the same things they did when they we together.
Another factor to consider is that reunion is more likely when one of the two partners has decided to end the relationship, and not if, on the contrary, the breakup was consensual. If it was your ex who decided to break up and left, for some vague reason, then it is likely that he or she will return.
Pros of getting back with your ex
- You already know each other. Although, of course, you are not the same as when you started and you have changed. You know each other, in the little things, in each other's hobbies, in what works for you and what doesn't. And most importantly, you know each other in what you have changed.
- Second chance. To do things better and learn from mistakes. Show each other that you love the relationship and that you are able to learn from mistakes and improve yourself.
- Banish doubt. All those what if…? are maybe for a purpose. If, after you've analyzed them all properly, you still have the question of whether or not you should get back with your ex, then it might be worth doing it. If it works, you may even get closer together. And if it doesn't work, at least you haven't been left in doubt.
Cons of getting back with your ex
- It's not the same anymore. After some time has passed since the breakup, we tend to remember the good things more than the bad, and there's the danger of forgetting the reasons why the relationship ended and idealizing your ex, so that when you return, you find that you live in a different reality than what you imagined. The person who left your life after breakup is not the same as when you met him/her.
- Repeating mistakes. You can fall into the same process that caused you to break up.
- It doesn't let you evolve. When we spend a lot of time with a person, we are no longer ourselves, we lose a part of ourselves because we are no longer always “just me”. We adapt to the relationship, even in small ways, to make it work. We forget things we did when we were single, etc.
- If you feel that there are more cons than pros for you, read this article about how to get over your ex and this article about how to learn to be alone.
How to attract your ex
One of the main reasons for getting back with ex-partners is the continued attachment to the other person and vice versa. It is very likely that your ex-partner continues to have feelings for you and misses you, and this is something that works in our favor from the beginning and we will have to try to use.
Moreover, a number of studies have found the reasons why couples get back together. Let's summarize them so you can take them into account if you want to win your ex back.
- Show willingness to change. The other person should notice that you want to make an effort so that the relationship works again and that you are doing well is essential so that your ex is more amenable to trying again.
- Be more attentive, understanding, tolerant…. Changes in the couple's characteristics, including positive aspects or improvements in behavior, are the basis of any reconciliation.
- Participate. Maintaining ongoing contact, seeing each other often, and, if possible, increasing the amount of time you spend together are factors that increase the likelihood of repairing a relationship.
- Increase intimacy. Not just in an erotic sense, but especially in the emotional part. Many reunions take place after the relationship partners have shown more interest in the other person, and there is a greater emotional connection, more disposition to get to know the partner better, find new things in common, etc.
- Improve communication. Communicating more effectively, talking about everything, involves an explicit and decisive conversation about all the issues that led to the breakup. Here, we have an opportunity not to be missed to demonstrate the first two points: show a willingness to make effort so that the relationship works, and the necessary attitudes to do so.
- Ask for forgiveness and forgive. Two steps necessary to move forward in any relationship. Acknowledging the things you've done wrong in the past and explicitly asking for forgiveness for them is another proof that it's worth trying again.
- Reduce barriers. By this, we mean that we try to eliminate as much as possible any factor that was an obstacle to the positive evolution of the relationship in the past. For example: distance, never having time for the other person, etc.
- Obtain support. Having friends or family support your relationship is something that will facilitate the circumstances for your reconciliation.
- Be the best option. Finally, keep in mind that something every person does is similar. After a breakup, it is normal to compare the previous situation with the current one, and the situation that you are with again with the alternatives (being alone or being with others).
How to get back with your ex
Before you get back with your ex, you need to make sure that all the problems that caused the breakup are gone. Just as it is very important to make sure that the reasons you want to return have to do with the love you continue to feel for her or him, and not for reasons that actually concern only you. The latter could be, for example, that you cannot be alone or a lack of self-respect.
Once you are sure that your motives are “pure”, you need to make sure that your ex's motives are also “pure” and that your ex really wants to come back. There is no point in getting back with your ex if they are not sure or if they are doing it for reasons described in the previous paragraph.
- Communicate, speak. The reunion must be a mutual effort. You've surely talked a lot about your feelings and why you want to come back (and if not, you should!), But it's also essential to talk about how you want this reunion to be, what you don't want to repeat, set limits, etc.
- Set your pace. No one is chasing you and there is no set rules for how you should reunite. If you lived together before and it didn't work out, you don't have to move back together. And conversely, if you were distant before and this caused problems, maybe it's time to dare to take another step. And so with everything. Cheer up!
Please note that this article is purely informative. We don't try to or make a diagnosis. If you experience any problems, see a psychologist to address your specific case.